We may not understand why - but that behavior is adaptive, reasonable and there is a purpose for it... even if the child doesn't know it (consciously) either.

We must reframe our understanding of a child's challenging behavior. It is not the thing to manage, focus on and attempt to mold, through our own behavior. But rather - it is communication. It is telling us that something is hard for this child to manage on his/her/their own, and they need our help.

These three tools below are the ones I rely on the most, as a parent of a child who is VERY easy to love and not easy to raise. Interestingly, two out of three of these are actually for us - to support our own sense of calm and safety, in a moment of overwhelming stress and big feelings... because, we are the strategy.

Our authentic calm and regulated state is the one thing that always reliably supports that child in achieving that state themselves: and a calm, regulated child who's autonomic nervous system (below conscious awareness!) perceives a sense of safety... they do well. They behave well. They are connected and socially engaged with their loving caregivers.

Three Essential Parenting Tools

1

Hand on the Heart:

This is a practice to develop the habit of self-compassion, turning towards oneself with grace and compassion, even in difficult moments. This is essential to practice and do regularly, for two important reasons:

1. It lowers our own stress response in the moment; this can be the turning point, the small bit of space to "respond" instead of a knee-jerk reaction. 

2. We model this approach for our kids, so they learn how to respond to their own big, baffling behaviors, their mistakes, with self-compassion. This is essential for them, to learn how to be humbly human, and develop more resilience, less anxiety and stress, with greater self-esteem.

Here's the practice:

1. At any moment of intense stress, and when you notice it, pause, and slow down your breathing, especially your outbreath. (Note - you will not always remember in the moment and that's ok. Just do this when you DO remember...)

2. Put your hand over your heart and wait to feel the warmth emanating from your hand, while continuing to consciously slow down your breathing a bit.

3. Once you feel that warmth, know that this is... pure love from the Universe, or God, or Spirit, or anyone or anything that brings you comfort - but is unconditional love and support.

4. Then, say out loud - if you can - or to yourself "This is hard." That's it. Just acknowledging the really hard moment paradoxically is what allows us to move past the big reaction into a more grounded response.

That's it! And doing this regularly - as often as needed and you remember, is what lays the foundation for developing the habit of self-compassion.

Parenting is hard; being kind to ourselves as we navigate this sometimes very challenging path is essential.

2

"I believe you."

This simple phrase can work wonders when your child is loudly, and emphatically declaring things in a very heated, overwhelming moment. For example, perhaps your child is screaming "I hate you and I hate this family!", or maybe it is "I am the only one who never gets what he wants."

By saying this, you are not saying the child is right, or accurate - but you are validating his/her/their very big feelings; you are helping them feel very seen, feel heard and that is so powerful. We all need that! 

This technique is from Robyn Gobbel, from the Parenting After Trauma podcast and author of "RAISING KIDS WITH BIG, BAFFLING BEHAVIORS
Brain-Body-Sensory Strategies that Really Work", coming out in September.

The other key thing to try with this strategy is this: less is more. Say fewer words and more soothing sounds, and non-verbal cues of loving presence and connection. Words when our child is losing it are like adding gasoline to a fire; that is not the time to reason, rationalize, threaten or problem solve. It's time to "put the fire out" and the path to doing that is first calming yourself, and then soothing your child. Then, and only when your child is truly back to feeling calm, grounded, connected with you, then that is the time to revisit what happened, name what happened, and discuss any next steps, consequences etc.

3

"SOS"

When your child loses it and a meltdown/tantrum of epic proportions is unleashed, follow the SOS steps:

S: Stop and slow down.

O: Observe. 

S: Soothe.

The SOS steps:

S: Stop and slow down.
Just pause, so you don't automatically react from your own autonomic nervous system and then escalate the situation. Most of the time, you will not be able to do this; we also have a fight-or-flight response; we also are holding excessive stress. But if we can aim for about one-third of the time, trying this technique, we will make a big difference! So put up sticky notes around the house to remind you... and when you can, stop and slow down. Slow down your breathing (especially the outbreath -as this slows down your heart rate).

Slow down your movements, your rate of speech and just allow for some space. This pause is what will shift the escalation cycle (the child escalates so you escalate so your child escalates so you escalate and so on!). This pause will slow down that cycle and then allows us to slowly shift to the "de-escalation cycle" - you start to de-escalate and so your child does, so you do, so your child does and so one. We affect one another like this in every moment!

O: Observe.
Observe your own internal reactions, sensations, thoughts, feelings, and physiological state. Observe your child and look for signs of stress and distress. Observe what is going on in your surroundings. This helps ground ourselves into the present moment and not get as caught up in the stressful, negative, angry thoughts running through our head.

S: Soothe.
Soothe yourself (using the Hand on the Heart technique above!). Soothe yourself and then start to soothe your child. It doesn't make sense. It doesn't look like the child is experiencing unmanageable stress and needs you... it might look like they are being a sociopathic little a**hole... and that is SO HARD. But when we start to soothe, things start to soften, and you'll see the angry, lashing out BIG child start to morph into a scared/overwhelmed/helpless small child they really are (no matter the age).